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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
If suppositories were just a bit smaller, they would be a whole lot easier to swallow...........................
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.