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French people give me the crepes.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!