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I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.