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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.