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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”