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I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.