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Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out