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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Never squat with your spurs on
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
I need more people like me in my life
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.