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Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers