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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!