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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."