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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
Are walruses just vampire manatees?