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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.