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If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers