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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?