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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!