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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.