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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.