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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`