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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.