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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`