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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.