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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.