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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, Iām calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
I need a new bad decision.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.