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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Iām giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Iām not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
Iām not always rude. Sometimes Iām sleeping.