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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?