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I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.