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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Is it bad when Iām talking to myself and Iām not even listening?
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.