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Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.