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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...