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so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.