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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.