Daily Silly Status

Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.

DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?

I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.

You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.

I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.

Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.

I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol

What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.

You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.

My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.