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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.