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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.