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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?