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The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.