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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.