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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
You had me at 0 mutual friends