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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets