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Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.