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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.