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Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.