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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Iām glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Born free. Now, Iām expensive.
The less you know, the more you think you do.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.