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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.