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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.