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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)