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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)