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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.