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"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.