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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media