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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Iām looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.