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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance