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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.