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According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."