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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.