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I put the pro in inappropriate.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.