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School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
My doctor said Iām healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.