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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while Iām awake to maintain my yearly average.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
Sweating is for people who do stuff.