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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, Iām ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!