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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.