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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.