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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I make a great second impression.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."