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I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
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My favorite drinking game is drinking.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Life is fun! You should get one.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol