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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
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The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.