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Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards