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Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like