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The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.