Daily Silly Status

I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.

I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.

like this if you are against animal cruelty

Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.

You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.

You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)

Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...

I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.

Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray

My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

Beer: The WD40 for conversations.

Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy

I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.