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I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.