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I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.