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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.