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If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
A leaf blower, but for people.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.