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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.