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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
The older I get the better I used to be.