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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"