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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol