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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.