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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
Find someone you`re good at.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...