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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.