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Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.