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Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?