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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.