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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.