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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.