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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"