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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.