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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.