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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.