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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.