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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
High-five a veteran today.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever