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It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!