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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom