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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.