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If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"