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My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.