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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?