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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.