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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.