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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Iām not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.