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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.