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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
I put the PRO in inappropriate!
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?