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I put the o in illiterate!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
I dream about naps.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.