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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar