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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.