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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
The only dates I get are updates.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar