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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.