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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.