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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.