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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.