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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!