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Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.