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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?