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I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.