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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."