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First fart at my new job.
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times