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Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.