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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?