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In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors