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It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.