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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.