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The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.