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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.