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I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.