Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.