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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.