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Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"