Daily Silly Status

There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"

Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!

We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.

I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.

The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.

All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.

That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?

It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.

How do nudist clean their glasses?

I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.

You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?

I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet

Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.

Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!