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"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.