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there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!