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Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.