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When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.