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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?