Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.