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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.