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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.