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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…