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Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.